Suicide is for another day, 1

"How are you?
"I'm fine." A smile

"You sure you okay? You look a little down..?"
"No, I'm fine. I'm just tired. It's nothing." Another smile.

"You don't look really well… Is everything okay?"
"Yup, it always is. You don't have to worry." A bright, happy smile.

Truth was, he wasn't fine. He hadn't been for a really long while and sometimes he wondered if he had ever been happy. It felt as if he had been walking in a vacuum for an eternity by now, but from what other said it hadn't been more than a couple of years. But what did they know? They just said he behaved strange, never asked more about it. Fine, Seran asked, but he couldn't tell the old man anything, didn't want to see his hurt and worried eyes. Better keep his problems to himself and try to solve them on his own, even if it wasn't that easy.
He though that he would probably die before that happened, but as it was now he would welcome death instead of pushing it away. He had been playing with it for over a year now, though at the moment there were only scars telling about it. No wounds, at least not any fresh ones. How long had it been…? Three weeks..? A month..? Yeah, it was a month… It was the day when Adien had told him it was over. He didn't care, he hadn't felt anything for Adien for a few months anyway, just kept it up to keep the old man happy, making him think that everything was fine.

"Myung!" There was knocking on the door and the young male slowly pulled himself up from the couch where he had been sleeping until now.
"Yeah… Who is it..?!" He shouted as he tried to find his hoddie, he didn't want anyone seeing the scars. Not even his friends knew about his small mistakes, and he preferred to keep it like that. Much less to explain that way.
"It's me, moron, Sanya."
He let out a sigh, one of the few persons he didn't want to meet at the moment. Sanya was supposed to be one of his 'best friends', they had went to kindergarten and school together, but nowadays he just found her annoying. Could be that all she talked about was the oh-so-popular hero of the school, Tirang. He was more or less sick from hearing about the guy, even if he had to admit that the guy looked good, but there was nothing else to him, just an ordinary bully who liked to play with other people's life and feelings.
"What do you want..?" He asked through the door, letting out a relieved sigh as he found the hoddie and put it on, making sure that all the scarred parts of his skin was covered.
"Open the bloody door and I might tell you." He could hear that she was annoyed by now, and a small part of him laughed at her, telling him to let her stand there forever. But it was a very small part and easily crushed at the moment. He opened the door and smiled at her, ignoring the frown she had on her face.
"Now, what do you want? I was sleeping.." He said, looking at her. For a moment she was quiet and he hoped that she would be annoyed enough to go away and not tell him.
"Something fabulous happened!" No such luck.
"Tirang finally asked me out on a date! I'm so happy I could die at the moment." Then please be my guest and do!
"Oh, wow. That's amazing. I'm so happy for you." Yes, spew out the lies of friendship, just make sure your voice is happy, but I suppose she wouldn't notice at the moment. I doubt she would notice if I shoot myself, maybe just glare at me if some blood got on her. That would probably ruin her clothes or something.
"Myung..? Hey!" He was startled when she snapped her fingers in front of his face.
"Are you listening..?"
"Uh.. Yeah, I am.." He said slowly, trying to remember what she had been saying.
"No you weren't." She said with a sigh. "I said he asked me out for the spring prom, I can't really believe it myself. But I need your help picking out the dress." She said, looking demanding and begging at him on the same time. He sighed.
"Just because I'm a poof don't mean I have a sense of fashion. You remember the last time I went with you to pick out a dress? You were screaming at me in front of the whole store and that is not something I want to go through again." He said, crossing his arms over his chest. Sanya snorted and rolled her eyes before she grabbed the other's arm and pulled him out of the apartment.
"Just lock it so we can go." She said, the look on her face said that she wouldn't take 'no' for an answer.
"May I at least put on a pair of shoes?" Myung asked in an irritated voice as he opened the door to his apartment again and walked inside, sitting down on the floor in the hall and pulled on the boot and started to tie them. After about a minute Sanya started to tap her fingers against the door, waiting for him to get done.
"It won't go any faster when you do like that..." He muttered, but she didn't listen and didn't stop either.
"Now, done…" he said as he got up from the floor and grabbed his wallet and keys before he walked out of the apartment and locked the door after himself, allowing for the girl to pull away with him to the shopping centre.
About an hour into it all he swore that he would jump from the third floor of the building, ten minutes later that he would break one of the windows and slit his wrists. He was sitting outside one of the dressing rooms in one of the overly glamorous stores in the mall, waiting for Sanya to come out and show him the next dress. He wished that he had simply ignored her when she came knocking, he could have pretended to be asleep. He should know by now that nothing good comes from opening up the door on a Saturday. It was always on Saturdays when hell's minion, also known as Sanya, arrived and made his life difficult, or well, more difficult that it already was.
"You waiting for your girlfriend?" He looked up when he heard the unknown voice, and after quickly looking around understanding that the stranger was talking to him.
"No, a friend, she always drags me with her when she goes shopping.." Myung said, looking closely at the stranger. He couldn't be more than a couple of years older than himself, and he was quite handsome. A nice, muscular build, delicate hands, he was tall, the boy noticed, he probably didn't even reach up to the other's shoulder. Looking at the stranger's face he for a moment was entranced by the beauty of it. Though not that many other's would call the man beautiful, with the long scar crossing his face, starting at the left corner of the soft mouth, over the sharp nose and ending just at the corner of the man's left eye. For some it would be a marring, but he could see that the man wore it proudly, not doing anything to cover it up or didn't even look uncertain. He was sure about his appearance and that made him even more enchanting.
"I see... Understandable, unless you was here to try out the clothes yourself but didn't have the gut to go into the dressing room." He said, a small challenge in his eyes, coaxing him to disagree. But Myung just smiled a little and shook his head a little.
"I don't find such things entertaining, even if I might have dressed up in female clothes before, but it was mostly because of same friend blackmailing me into it." He said, making a slight gesture with his head towards the dressing room where Sanya was. He didn't know what made him talk to the stranger, it was something easy over him, making his mouth just go on on it's own.
The man nodded a little and then smiled, almost giving Myung a heartattack in the progress. No one could be allowed to be that beautiful, it wasn't fair. And for someone like that to start talking with him...? The boy didn't know what to believe.
One door to the stalls in the dressing room opened and a young girl stepped out and walked over to the man, smiling.
"I'm done, brother. We can go now." She said, handing the man some clothes that she apparently had picked out. He nodded a little and let her walk away before turning a little and smiled at Myung.
"Nice talking to you, no matter how short it was." He said as he walked away.
For some time Myung just stared at the spot where the other had stood, trying to regain his brain which had went away to lala-land at the moment. It was only when he got a light slap to the back of his head that he woke up from the trance, looking confused at the angry Sanya standing before him.
"Finally!" She exclaimed, glaring at him. "You've been gone for ages, what the hell happened to get you into such a state?" She asked, even if she wasn't very interested.
"Huh...? Oh... No... It was just someone I talked to..." He said, shaking his head a little. This actually made her interested and she looked more intensely at him.
"Who was it? Was it a guy? Was he handsome?" She asked quickly and for a moment Myung just stared at her before he answered.
"I don't know who it was, and yes, it was a guy... Though I don't know if you would call in handsome." He said after a while.
"Try me."
He quickly described what the man had looked like and then arched an eyebrow when Sanya let out an amused snort.
"Please, don't tell me you don't remember? That was probably Sakana Sung Ji, he was in the last year when we started college. And if I remember correctly you was just as enchanted by him then as you are now." She said and then shook her head.
"But to go back to more important things, how do I look in this dress? I don't want Tirang to think I don't have any class." She said, twirling around in front of him so the skirt on the dress spread out like a sunflower.
"Uhm... Yeah, it looks good on you, and the blue colour match your eyes." He said, even though he didn't concentrate very much but it seemed to make her happy so he assumed he had said the right thing. His mind was busy with other things at the moment, especially about the man called Sakana Sung Ji. If it was true what Sanya said, then why couldn't he remember? And why did he get such a feeling of happiness and dread when he saw the other. It was something... But it was like his brain was blocking him from remembering. But then of course, when they started he had been severely depressed and he barely remembered anything from their first year and now in their second he was still surprised that he had actually passed his first year as good as he had.
A few hours later he was finally able to return home. This time Sanya hadn't shouted at him, but he noticed that she wasn't very happy with him when they parted, probably because during the day he had started to get lost in thoughts more and more, something that her ego did not tolerate. In some way he actually felt sorry for Tirang, he had no idea what he was getting in to by inviting Sanya to a date. But maybe that would be able to take down that stupid bully on the same level as all the others. Or maybe not, he was a prat and would probably never grow out of it.
With a sigh he opened the door and walked inside, kicking off his shoes as he locked the door and then walked into the kitchen, just staring a little at the fridge and the oven before shaking his head and walked into the bedroom instead and stripped and laid down on the bed. He pulled a blanket over himself and curled up, his thoughts still occupied with Sung Ji, and especially, why he couldn't remember. Sanya had looked strangely at him when he tried to explain and said that it shouldn't have been possible for him to forget Sung Ji, since apparently they had been talking almost every day during the first year.
"Argh... This is just bloody stupid..." He muttered after a while and sat up and turned on some music on the stereo that stood by his bed and then laid down again. Even if his thoughts still circled around Sung Ji and the year that he had more or less completely forgotten he managed to fall asleep after a while. But his thoughts haunted him even there, making him toss and turn, dreaming he was searching for something while seeing a pair of golden brown eyes in the distance, watching and waiting for him.